Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Edgy's Tips for the Evil #1

Air Vent Security and Evil Plan Execution Factor

Evil Plan Execution Factor, or EPEF (pronounced e-peff), is a quality factor many of us overlords use as an industry standard for a measure of success. The factor is determined by taking an average of the success of all an overlord's career schemes rated on a scale from 1-10 by the panel of experts at Overlord Magazine, which is edited by a neutral third party to avoid bias, and has the best security system in the nation to avoid hostile takeover.

Now you and I have both seen multiple evil plans which have been foiled because some dumbbutt hero crawled through an air vent into the control room and hacked the system/changed the coordinates/sliced apart everything in sight with an axe. Therefore, the first order of security should be to secure the base's ventilation system. The trouble is figuring out how to secure the vents.

Although the most obvious solution would be to do away with air vents altogether, it is not a plausible solution because any great mind, however aligned, works best in a climate-controlled environment. Speaking of that, I need to go adjust the thermostat.

That's better.

Since air vents are a necessary part of the base, basic defenses should be implemented first before anything else is done. This could include occasional mesh gates, large labyrinths of intertwined ducts, and vent covers that cannot be opened using conventional screwdrivers. However, any self-respecting overlord who has ever seen a miniature laser cutting device in use should know that these measures are simply not enough, and secondary security devices should be placed.

Some of the more classic and entertaining security measures are motion sensitive spikes that will protrude from the wall whenever the hero passes them. However, to keep the hero from fooling the spike system, I suggest using heat sensors on the spikes as opposed to a simple motion sensor, as well as sensors completely surrounding the area so they can't cover themselves in tinfoil and just walk past very easily. If they make themselves completely covered, the software will recognize unusually unheated areas as well to avoid simple trickery. On a design note, conical spikes would be best for maximum penetration and least air resistance.

Another possibility would involve lead ball bearings shooting from one end of the duct to the other whenever an intruder is detected, working in similar fashion to the spikes. If the hero doesn't die from the bullet-like velocity, they'll hurt from the lead poisoning.

The third measure has nothing to do with the air ducts, and is quite simple: three guards at each duct vent.

Afterward, we raise the concern of duct cleaning. This is quite simple: use robots which will explode upon hacking. Either that, or have those clean the duct that are...expendable. No, scratch that, there's no such thing as an expendable lackey. Robots it is. If the robots fail, there's always the fire hose.

And you should never have to escape through the vent myself. That's what the one-way fire escape is for.

This way, the hero shouldn't be able to foil your plan, and you'll have a high enough EPEF to hit the top 10 list in Overlord Magazine.

Well, that's my tip for today. Until next time,

Edgy Swordbearer

P.S. Don't forget the forums:


Blogger DarkLordRebel said...

why not just just put jiant whirling turbines every few feet followed by the occasional pitfall and heat vent( the ont that shootes fire). You could also add hords of poision tipped robotic air-duct rat searcher drones for effect.

7:19 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home